Cats, Kittens, Bite, and Scratches

I write a lot of things. The past two days I have written a lot of things on Facebook about cats!
I am so angry and though I struggle with the fact that this person that allowed this to happen is a family member, I also struggle with the fact that this person is....well family. Makes sense to those thinkers out there and I know you are a thinker.
What has happened with these cats is so wrong on so many levels, I can barely grasp it all.
So first, there were two cats.....la de da....rainbows, sunshine, sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight, those cats had kittens. We, as a family, told him to get the kittens to a shelter. At the time we had cats that were just under a year old that we adopted and we knew that people love kittens. Who doesn't love a kitten? Well, my dad, but that's because he's a guy that looks ahead and knows kittens turn into cats, which he doesn't like as much as kittens, but most people that like cats, like them to be kittens first. Moving on....months later, we see him again and he still has all the kittens. We remind him that kittens turn to cats and hope that he remembers the sky rockets in flight and knows what could happen next. He is of the oh so mature age of forty three, after all, so it's not too much to ask for personal responsibility, right? No, evidently it is too much to ask.
More months go by. I'm not sure how many, but I can guess our two cats that are well loved and given lot of care and affection, have gone through countless bags of food, have had more belly rubs that I have toes, and have enjoyed a few moon cycles from the comfortable spot they share on Arwen's bed.
His lease is not renewed. In my thinking mind, I'm sure this would have meant eviction if the lease were not up for renewal. The story goes, the neighbors complained of a smell. Maintenance entered the apartment and was shocked to find at least eight cats running around a little six hundred square foot apartment. I've rented apartments. I'm lucky to not have to rent an apartment at this stage in my life, but I spent many years throwing money away so someone else could gain from my choice of habitat.
Of those years, I'm sure I never crossed a lease that allowed more that two cats. Once in Charlottesville, VA, I had three cats, but I picked one up while still living in Richmond from the neighbors before they moved out because they felt leaving her outside with some leftovers from dinner was acceptable. I broke the rules of my lease and allowed her to live in my apartment where I liked to fatten my kitties with Meow Mix and Friskies from a can. I continued to break the rules of my lease when I moved to Charlottesville. But I also didn't think three was excessive. Little Amy needed a good home without leftovers and I was able to give that to her. Emily hated me for it, but Saliers didn't care as long as he got most of what was left in the can of food.
Eight cats is a big issue! Eight cats cannot be cared for by one person that works double shifts and has little time to rub those tummies and ears. Eight cats means sixteen ears. That's a lot of rubbing; more time that I'd be will to commit, and I'm sure most of you would agree!
So when the lease wasn't 'renewed,' he moved into his mothers house while he got back on his feet. With his eight cats. Only without telling anyone, the eight cats, or at least two of them heard about those skyrockets, and sometime during one of those double shifts, they went into flight and wham, bam, thank you, ma'am, there were three more....at least! So when he moved into his mother's house, he didn't bring eight cats with him, he brought eleven. Telling people like your mother, with whom you are about to share space, that you are bringing your stereo but won't keep the music loud, and your TV, but will share the remote, and oh about those eleven cats (!) is a important in my book. I think it's right up there with can I sleep at your house tonight while mine is being repainted, but oh by the way, I'll be using your toothbrush, and did I tell you I spend from 5pm in the afternoon until morning nude, but I don't actually go to bed until midnight. And I like to do yoga in front of the TV while watching my favorite show at 8pm. Nude. Important stuff, right? You might change your mind about me coming over. Luckily, many of you have been here after 5pm and know I like to stay clothed and like to talk about how much I enjoy yoga but don't actually do it...ever. But now I’ll understand why I won't be allowed to stay the night at your house and I feel so lucky my house doesn't need paint just yet.
So now he and his eleven cats are in his mother's house. And she thinks there are a few. Five cats, maybe….? Six even….she has no idea there are eleven!
A few weeks go by and by the grace of not being actually evicted, he is allowed to rent a new apartment. Jeff helps him move, Jeff watches him scratch the tailgate on his brand new truck! It’s easy for forty-three year old children to not pay attention to little things like to drag a dresser across the tail gate or to pick it up and carry it. They move all of his things – except the cats!
The cats are left in a four hundred square foot finished basement. A couple of weeks go by and we get the frantic call from Jeff’s mother. She has no idea how many cats are in her basement, but she knows he left them there and they are tearing up her home. She has lost a couch, an oriental rug, a chair; her floors are ruined, he walls have been sprayed, and these cats were sharing three litter boxes. Eleven cats, three litter boxes, no one around to care for them….you do the math.
So Jeff goes in to rescue the cats, and I spend my day calling shelter, humane societies, and foster homes for cats and find a place for them to go. Jeff comes home with two to take to a friend’s house to be barn cats, takes two to a Humane Society, and is questioned for animal abuse because he has been beat to hell just trying to capture these cats.
If you have cats, take a moment and think about how hard it is to capture your cat if it’s time to go to the vet. Not easy, huh? It took him two weeks to catch these cats to take them to his mom’s house. Jeff gets there thinking he’s going to get five cats out of the house. After catching them the first night, we both go back, with our children, to get the last two. Only there are five that we can find.
After some time Jeff tries to figure out why some are so much smaller and why those are so mean. It took two days and lots of war wounds, but he figured out his brother’s secret: there was a new litter a few months ago. These ‘new’ kittens are completely feral! Completely! They are not used to humans, have no desire to become friendly with humans and feel their place in the world in inside the wall under the stairs. Tonight Jeff confronted his brother about this new litter and he finally admitted to knowing there was a new littler four months ago.
We told Jeff’s mom there are eleven cats total. I don’t think she’s all that surprised.

We still have a long way to go, two more to catch and get to a shelter, wounds to heal, keep an eye on, traps to return, and we need to find someone that will clean that house for her.
Here are a few things I’m am having a hard time wrapping my mind around. What kind of person thinks it’s OK to keep eleven cats? Why weren’t they given away when they were kittens? How lazy can one person become? And why? I was given an excuse tonight that he works thirteen hour days and didn’t have time to take them to a shelter. Are you kidding me? I’ll wait while you find the seat of your chair again……. I know….you don’t even have to say it.
The next thing I can get my mind around is consequence. We work so hard at teaching our children consequences for their actions in hopes that things like this won’t happen when they are eight years old or forty three years old. Why? What? Whoa! And these cats! These cats that have only known one another are being ripped apart after they have spent so much time creating their pride, if you will. The new kittens will have little opportunity at any life at all. They are aggressive and angry. They are mean. They attacked Jeff and one attacked a lady at the Human Society. I would bet money she will be put down after her ten day rabies watch is over. Or she can become coyote food. Either way, she never had a chance. How could he take away the chance for a life for these kittens? For at least four of these kittens, he has taken away their chance to be domestic well loved cats. And for the rest, he’s just sad we took them away from him, but has yet to show me he cares what actually happens to the cats.
Where is the consequence? He was allowed to take the original two cats to his new apartment and move on with his life. Jeff has lost days of work, time with his family, money for traps and fees to surrender the animals to the shelter, and sleep over all of this. I have lost too much time, I have put my children at risk by taking them over there, and I have spent so much emotion on this I am beat.
I don’t know where to go from here, but I am so saddened by this. They were beautiful cats and wilder than those big cats I have seen at the zoo. Where is the consequence? Who treats their mother like this? Where is the respect for life? Where do we go from here?

Spring stuff

I really need to keep better track of the super cute things my kids do and say. I’m sorry for them that I haven’t kept track of every detail. Zoe was looking at cards with pictures and words yesterday and she held one up that said igloo. Before she got to that one, I would ask her what the picture was then what the letter represented was and what the word was. She’s only three and a half, so she’s not reading yet, but she does know those letters. We went through a few words, like ring, web, dog, robot and apple. When we got to I and igloo, I asked her what the picture was and she said, ‘polar bear house.’ It was so cute and in my head I could see her envisioning polar bears building this igloo to live in. I asked her if she thought people might live in an igloo or if just bear live in them and she said, ‘just polar bears.’ So cute!
Today I took the kids to the book fair at school to pick out a few books. Arwen was having a hard time picking things out and Zoe said she didn’t want any books. I finally got Arwen to pick the ones she wanted and Zoe saw in the middle school section a book called, ‘Solving Zoe.’ She walked up to it, grabbed it and said, ‘Look, Z-O-E!’ I just said, ‘yep, Z-O-E, that’s your name.’ She had picked her book. I tried to tell her it was like a Mommy book with no pictures and not really a story I could read to her. She threw a complete fit right there in the room. I tried to explain it to her again and then finally asked her to sit in the hallway and wait for me. I ended up buying her a Cars book and a fairy book. She held that against me for hours! But hopefully tomorrow she’ll appreciate the new books and forget about ‘Solving Zoe.’

This week Nolan has fallen in love with The Lorax. He picked out a Lorax stuffed animal at Kohl’s and has been carrying it around for days. He’s so sweet and funny. When he gets a hold of one of his blankets or a stuffed animal, he’ll hug it, put his head down on it and sigh and smile. He’s such a sweet little cuddly guy!

Arwen is excited to leave in two days for Virginia. She’s telling everyone she sees that we are going and who we are going to see. Arwen is a wonderful big sister. I rely on her so much more than I ever should, but she’s so wonderful with Zoe and Nolan.

I can't imagine that kind of pain

I joined more than a hundred people tonight at Town Hall to show our support for a family that had to say goodbye to their three year old son just yesterday. His mother put her son down for his nap earlier in the afternoon and at 4:30, went into his room with his four year old sister to wake him. Together they found him hanging by the cord on his window blinds. He had been accidently strangled. Paramedics arrived soon after and pronounced him dead.
I can’t imagine the emotions she felt. I can begin to think of what she had to tell her daughter who was in the room with her when she found him. I can only hope the first responders were able to sleep last night after coming to such a scene. Daniel just turned three years old in October. He was just a few weeks younger than Zoe. I don’t know why he was picked to leave this world, and I’m not sure where he has gone. I’m not sure of his room was not considered safe or if he had blinds hanging on his windows much like the ones we have in our home. I remember saying a few years ago I wanted cordless blinds. We got the ‘safe’ ones with cords. After this incident, I’m certain they are not safe at all. I’m not sure what our solution will be since our children don’t seem to play with our blinds, but since Nolan is not yet even 11 months old, we’re not sure if our blinds will create a curiosity we have yet to see in our home.
Each day I try to tell my children how my I love them and how lucky I am to be their mother. I hope we are blessed with years with one another, and I hope they will always know no matter what may come of any of us that everything I do I do for them. For my children, I love you more than I love the sun on my shoulders, more than the pink clouds I see rising in the east each morning, and more than the moon hanging over the mountains on an early November morning. I can’t imagine life without you each day.

For my Arwen

For my children. I love you more than you could ever imagine. We know that life is only what we have in the moment. What we don’t know is how to live every moment as if we understand that. Truly understand that. I hope and pray I am with you for a long long time. The time I do spend with you will not be perfect. You won’t be perfect nor will I be perfect. As of now, I can think of things I have done or things I have failed to do with less than perfect results. Nolan is 9 months old – almost 10 months and I adore him so much, but I don’t spend nearly as much time holding him as I would like – or as he would like. Zoe is 3 now and is in preschool 2 days a week. I wanted to spend those other days teaching her to write like I taught Arwen when she was 3 years old. Arwen is in kindergarten and I don’t have as much time to spend teaching her those skills each day like I used to or like I would like. But I do so hope you all look back and know that everything I do each day I do for you and for our family. We do fun things. Today we made Christmas cookies. We made fudge, peppermint bark and 3 batches of cookies. That’s a lot to do with a 5 year old, a three year old and a baby. We had fun. We laughed. I laughed at you guys a lot.
There are some things I want to always remember about each of you. Arwen, you are so tender and loving. You are kind and gentle. You are the most creative person I know. I am glad I am here to give you ideas and to push your creativity. Though I know you will be wonderful at whatever you decide to become when you grow older, there is a part of me that hopes you do become an artist. An illustrator or baker of amazing cakes. A writer or painter. I hope that art gallery you told me you’d open a few months ago opens soon and as close to me as possible. I’d try to view your art each and every day. I can’t save everything you do, but I save a lot of your pieces and smile as I remember what you were doing the day you drew them. No matter the path you choose in life, please remember these paths are your choice and you can always decide a new path, but make your choices with as much knowledge behind as you can gather and know you can do anything. You are strong, you are brave and you are beautiful. You can do it. Try it and don’t ever give up. There is always something new to try.

My first born

Arwen Anne Plummer is my first born child, and she has two younger siblings, Zoe (3 in September) and Nolan, (6 months) who Arwen named. Over the past five years, I have learned as much from her as she has from me. She is smart, sweet, sensitive, and creative. Arwen loves to tell stories and dramatic play is one of her favorite ways to spend her time. She can also spend hours drawing new characters for a book she’d like to publish one day. When she feels her characters are done and her story is ready to be told, I will publish in a make your own book for us to keep and look back on one day. Arwen can lose herself in books and stories, and the days when she can put those words on the pages into words in her mind, I’m sure I will find her sitting outside enjoying a light breeze until her latest book is read from cover to cover more than a few times. One of the things I adore about Arwen is her huge heart. Often times she can be found nurturing someone around her. One can see her heart aching when someone near by is hurting. She can often be caught offering some tender loving care to a child she doesn’t even know. With a rub on their back or a hug or by simply reminding them she is near and cares, she makes new friends. In the past couple of months, I’ve watched my oldest baby blossom into a little girl. A girl that offers nurturing to friends and family. A girl that sees the beautiful things in life and will stop and remind us to pause and smell the flowers. She planted a garden this spring and still goes outside each day to enjoy the beautiful blooms. It’s one of my most favorite pieces of my day whether I am with her talking and pointing to each bloom or watching her from afar respect nature and see what wondrous beauty and growth can come from a tiny seed.
To be fair, she is a growing individual and as we all grow, we all face challenges. Each day I remind Arwen to remain positive and to continue to try new things. She’s creative and brave, but also very comfortable within her own walls. New things often frighten her and make her nervous. Often times if she feels she can’t do something, she’ll give up and not do it. As we all need reminding at times, I try to remind her that with practice we can all become good at something. The smile I see on her face when she tries and succeeds is priceless.

Stephanie Plummer

Some favorite quotes from the first week of school

Mommy, my poopy headache in my hiney doesn’t hurt now. Zoe Aug 17, 2009


The girls got apple cupcakes to celebrate their first day of school. Zoe said, Mommy, this is so ‘de wicious’


Today ends the last day of the first week of Kindergarten for Arwen. Zoe had preschool two days this week as well. Overall it went fairly well. Zoe loves school. Yesterday she said school is her most favorite. She also really likes her teacher, Ms. Wheaton.

Soldier

Each morning I wake up, open the curtains in our bedroom and fill my lungs with the warm air that follows the butterflies. The butterflies are in my dreams. They guide you to me each night when my eyes are closed. Before I went to sleep, I said a prayer for you. I prayed for your safety and for your return into our home. With a few tears to remind myself I am human, my heavy heart begins to fill with pride. I can’t imagine what you see each day. I dream of your face at night. I can’t tell you the fears I have for you and for those that stand next to you. I could never create a bond with someone here the way you’ve created bonds with those that keep you safe. Those that fight for the freedom I have to open my window each morning and watch the butterflies.

With each hand print, each stroke of paint, with each stitch, we say thank you. Thank you for the pride you carry with you each day to stand for those you do not know. Thank you for your time; the time you give to children that are hurt, women that are forgotten and men that are lost. The time away from those that love you; the time from those you love. To pass on your pride to a stranger you will never see again is a gift only you can give. Thank you.

In this time when you may feel lost and cold and alone, wrap yourself in love. Love from your families, from your friends and from strangers that just want to say thank you. When you are standing for our freedom, when you are rescuing someone from war, when you are fighting an enemy we can’t begin to imagine, stand strong, be well and fight free. When you are sick or wounded, wrap yourself in this quilt and know you are loved. You are not forgotten. Your pride lies in your country. Our pride lies in you. Be warm. Be safe. Thank you.

Mother in law Chronicles

So we went to BRU to get our crib today. We had to go to 2 different stores because the first didn't have it in stock. The second is about 7 minutes from MIL's house. So I told Jeff he should call his mother to meet us for lunch. We had to eat anyway and it would get that silly little see her/visit with the kids obligation out of the way. We were about 40 minutes away and Jeff told her that. She said if she rushed, she could be ready in 20 minutes. OK...but why? We're 40 minutes away, do you really need to rush and then wait 20 minutes for us?
We got stuck in traffic and ended up being about 10 minutes late. I tried to call to leave a message, but she didn't answer, so we figured she already left. Then we started to wonder if she really got there 20 minutes early and left because she thought we didn't show up or were too late.
Anyway, we get to Ruby Tuesday. I had to pee - bad! So Jeff dropped me off at the front door and I fiugred I'd see her inside. Nope, I pee and come back to the lobby area and see Jeff and the kids, but no Mother in Law. So we wait about 5 minutes. I told Jeff we should just sit because the kids were hungry. It was already 12:30 and they are used to eating between 11 and 12pm. We sit. Fifteen minutes go by and she's still not there. Jeff forgot Zoe's blanket and was about to go out to the car to get it, but I wanted to order lunch first. So we wait 5 more before we can order, then he goes out to the car with Zoe. Now we're wondering if she is at BRU (in the same strip center area) so Jeff says he'll try to look over near their parking lot, but he's at the point where he just doesn't care. Let's eat, get the crib and go home, he says. When he comes back in with the blanket, she's with him. She said she was sitting in her car waiting for us - for over 15 minutes. So, we were going to having lunch in your car? This is Ruby Tuesday, not Sonic. They don't deliver to your car. Why the hell would you not go inside - especially after 15 minutes. And what's really funny is Jeff parked practically front bumper to bumper with her and she still missed him and my van. Oh well.

So then the conversations starts. You may remember the "a lot of restuarants have had freezing pipes problems" comment at Christmas dinner... That thought being based on one Denny's where BIL works having that very problem. She starts talking about the baby and how large I am. I know, she's so polite. But hey, at least she didn't come in telling strangers she'll have to strap me to the roof of the car like they did the dead grandmother in the movie Vacation, like she did years ago when I was pregnant. Evidently my van is large enough to hold me still. I had a CRV back then...must have been too small. So then she says, "Every body is having boys lately" The response that came to mind, "Yes, Nancy, didn't you get the newsletter from God? He's decided not to make girls anymore." But what I actually said was, "My friend, Amy, just had a girl." Still smartass, but not as much as what I was thinking. So then she started talking about 'that girl from Days of Our Lives", Alison Sweeney I guess....who by the way just had a girl. She didn't get the memo from God.

A bit later she said, I bet you can't wait until April! I'm due March 6th. So the smartass in me comes out and asks why can't I wait until April??? She said, "well, you know when all of this is over."
"All of what, Nancy?"
"The baby, when the baby is born."
I just simply said, like it's been my plan all along, "This baby will be here next month." I think I only have smart ass in me at this point.
She looked shocked and then back tracked and said, well, you know. When he's here and it's spring.
Yeah, because I'm looking forward to a few flowers I won't be able to stop and smell because I'll be stuck inside with a newborn nursing, crying and sleeping oh and two other kids with school and what not going on. I have nothing else going on...bring on the flowers.

So...at some point we leave. We walk to our car and I can see her car sitting right in front my mine, and remember I was dropped off, so I don't even know where everyone parked. She was walking across the parking lot in the opposite direction. I yelled out, "Nancy, aren't you parked over here?"
And I hear in the whiney, the sky is not blue just because I won't agree with you at all voice, "Nnnoooo?"
So I aksed Jeff. Isn't that her car? She still wandering and searching for her car. Finally she turns and heads our way. We say goodbye. Jeff and I have the kids buckled in and we are getting in when we see her back up without looking behind her. OK. Lucky. We back out and we are at the end of the parking lot when we turn and see her still sitting there crooked in her just backed up position but now with a car behind her waiting for her to move forward and drive on. Jeff just says, "She's confused. She doesn't know how to get out of the parking lot." It was a sad moment. I think he was right. We waited at a stop sign for a minute until we saw her move and then catch up to us. Sad sad...and yet so annoying at the same time.

Christmas laughs 2008

I always try to get the kids down for their nap around 1 or 1:30 and we all lay in my bedroom and watch a movie and fall asleep. We had planned on dinner at 4:30. At 1:30pm, the kids and I were asleep and Jeff was at the gym working out. The doorbell rang. I woke thinking I heard something, but put my head back down. Then there was banging on the door. The doorbell rang again. More banging. I get up and head downstairs in my Pjs. I was showered and had my make up done, but if I’m at home Pjs are so much more comfy and I still had a lot of cooking to do so I didn’t want to put on my clothes I was planning on wearing when company was here. So there I am in my jammies opening the door while the kids are napping. They had been sleeping for only about 20 minutes and you know, it’s Christmas, so it’s already been a busy day - they needed rest! I opened the door and saw my Mother in law and Brother in law standing there trying to peek in. I opened the door and rudely said, “We’re all napping, we weren’t expecting you until sometime after 3 o’clock.” My MIL just said in her way too loud voice, (man, I need to record her voice one day and post it here so you can here the nails on a chalkboard voice she has….just imagine a whiny high pitched and way too loud irritating voice and that’d be her), “Weeelllll, it’s Christmas.” I just said, “Come on in, I need to make sure the kids are still asleep.” She came in and said something really loud and I about hit her. I just looked at her and said in my best irritated Mommy voice (the one I use with the kids) “Please…keep it down, I said they are sleeping!” Then I went upstairs and they were in fact still sleeping. I stayed upstairs for several minutes, changed my pants and fumed. When I came back downstairs, Jeff was just getting home. After giving him the evil eye, I ignored Nancy and James, and Jeff and I just started planning the meal.

About an hour later, Jeff and James and I are in the dining room putting the leaves in the table and Jeff and I are talking about place settings. There I hear Jeff and James run to the front door and open it and in walk my two very young newly declawed kittens. WHAT? I looked and Jeff and said, “Who let the cats outside?” James immediately says, “Not me.” Jeff has always talked about the Not Me character from the cartoon strip Family Circus. He says he and his dad always used to talk about the Not Me in the house growing up and how his mom and brother would always deny doing anything. So Not Me evidently just left the front door wide open after coming in and going back to the car to get the gifts he was bringing in. Jeff pulled me aside later and apologized for the cats. Not that he did it, but he said when he walked in and I was upstairs still, the two of them were sitting in the living room and the front door was wide open. No big deal, right….it’s just fucking December and freezing outside; who cares if your ass is too lazy to close the fucking door after you come inside. So the cats of course got outside. I feel so lucky they came back. I think it’s because it was so cold and there was snow on the ground, they couldn’t have gone far. (Although Christmas day it was in the 40s) After Jeff told me that, I walked up to James and just said, “You left the front door open!!???!!!??” And walked away….I didn’t give him a chance to even stammer. I was so upset. I went upstairs and fought back tears. I kept telling myself the cats were fine and inside, but knowing what could have happened and how I would tell the kids just drove me to tears. We have coyotes walking through our yard every night. It’s still upsetting for me. But anyway….

Here’s an annoying fact about my mother in law. She has no social skills. She doesn’t know how to start a conversation or when it’s appropriate to say something or even when something doesn’t need to be said. She had a little tidbit of information that for whatever reason she wanted to share with us. Out of the blue she says, “You know it’s been so cold lately, a lot of restaurants have had problems with pipes freezing.” Now, to my knowledge, she knows of only one restaurant that had that trouble, but she didn’t know how to pipe in and just say James told me the Denny’s where he works had their pipes freeze on a cold night. She made it sound like she had taken a poll on all the restaurants in the area and determined that A LOT have had this problem. So being the bitchy hateful person I can be with her, I said, “Really, A lot?” And her reply was of course, “Weeeeellllll. Denny’s in Boulder did.” The she and James got into the story about that one place with frozen pipes and I ignored them both and started talking to my mom and Arwen who were sitting next to me.

A while after Joe got there and started eating he took a shot at her and said to me, “Stephanie, I think you’re cooking has really improved,” then he smiled and chuckled and winked at me. You may recall she said that very thing at Thanksgiving in front of our 12 guests as if to say I really sucked as a cook before but I’ve gotten better. I guess maybe she’s noticed how things taste if you actually prepare and cook them rather than open a can and pour. Later Joe told me that she said something to him about why she’s not having sex. WHAT?? Joe just said he tried to get Jeff’s attention and talk about guy stuff with him. He was laughing when he told me, but I could tell he was embarrassed a bit. He said, I guess she’s noticed me around a lot and she knows your mother and I are dating, so she’s probably explaining why she’s not bringing someone to dinners as well. I told him a few stories like Thanksgiving last year when she asked Jeff and I at Thanksgiving dinner if we were going to go have sex after everyone leaves. I also told him about the time she told me in front of a waitress at breakfast one morning that I’ll have to handcuff Jeff to the bed to keep him home. Then I said, I can glance at her and tell you why she’s not having sex; she doesn’t need to come up with a bunch of lines about how she doesn’t want to go down that relationship road anymore.

The other kind of funny and very annoying thing (at the time) that happened was she told Jeff and I she got Arwen the Barbie Castle dollhouse. I told Jeff we’d just keep it even though we had gotten Arwen a big wooden dollhouse made for the Barbie sized dolls. She never asked us for suggestions and I didn’t want to make her feel bad (hey, I am human) So I said we’d just keep it and Arwen can have two dollhouses….or we’d put that one in the playroom….whatever, we’d deal with it, no biggie. I sent my mom upstairs to see the huge dollhouse we got Arwen because it really is cool. It’s taller than Arwen. Zoe can’t even reach the top floor which is really cute. I knew Nancy wouldn’t go up there because she can’t do stairs, so I figured she’ll never see it and therefore never know that Arwen got two dollhouses for Christmas. Anyway, I told my mom to go look at the one we gave her and not to say anything because Nancy got her a different dollhouse, and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. A few hours later Arwen opens up a Barbie Island Princess vanity. Not a dollhouse…but a vanity. Arwen loves it, so I’m not irritated anymore, but it’s freaking huge! And with the dollhouse, the giraffe and her furniture in her room, I had no idea where we would put a huge vanity. It’s nice and it’s plastic, but it’s like another piece of furniture. My first thought was this is not a dollhouse. My second thought was I thought it was a bit rude to buy something that big and not tell us. It’s like buying drums for a kid and not telling the parents.

When Arwen opened the vanity and Zoe opened her Little people sets, Nancy kept telling everyone how ALL the people in Toys R Us were watching her put these things in her cart and they all had looks on their faces, like ‘how could you afford all of that?’ I thought that was a little pretentious. I mean I know a lot of kids don’t get a vanity or Little People sets for Christmas from a grandparent, but a lot of kids get that and more. So I’m sure not many people in Toys R Us doing their Christmas shopping were looking at her like she was Donald Trump shopping on 5th Avenue. (I don’t remember much about NYC, is 5th in the shopping district?) I mean come on….really, people were looking at you with envy and wondering just how you could afford these three toys….well, four I think they gave Arwen a Barbie too. I haven’t looked up these prices, but I’ve seen vanities before and they are about $70-$80 and I can only imagine there was a sale. Each Little People thing was probably about $30. So let’s say her whole shopping cart was $140. REALLY?? EVERYONE was looking at you as if to ask how can you afford this? It just annoyed me and it was uncalled for…

The last hilarious thing with MIL and BIL was the Wii. I got Jeff a Wii for Christmas. While Jeff and I were cooking, he set it up and they started bowling. Nancy sat in the chair and told James over and over again his mistakes and how to do it. I told Jeff at one point that she sounded just like my four year old. “I know how to do it” when she’s never seen a Wii or the Wii remote before in her entire life. So she kept telling James how to do it and when it was her turn, she practically rolled herself down the lane and right into our TV. She had gutter ball after gutter ball. She threw balls instead of rolling them and every time Jeff tried to tell her how to hold the remote and when to let go of the button, she’d say, “I know how to do it. I have bowled before, you know.” Yep, ‘cause bowling on the Wii is EXACTLY like it is in real life. And I’m pretty sure you haven’t been inside a bowling alley in 20 years anyway! She’s such an idiot!

Will you be having sex after dinner?

The mother in law chronicles are long and in many places like written treasures. This was written after Christmas dinner 2008...and it's true and only a snippet of the fun she brings to my life.

Usually after a big holiday, you all read how crazy my mother in law is. This year I'm not going to say she's crazy...I don't have to; you already know. I'm happy to say she didn't find a way to hide a knife in toy she gave my children, she didn't ask Jeff and I at Christmas dinner if we were going to have sex after everyone left, and she didn't say anything about the way I look like I'm so big they need to tie me to the hood of a car like they did the grandmother in the movie Vacation or is there a chance I am pregnant again.
OK, so when she walked in, I had to ask Jeff to ask her to be quiet and then I had to tell her to be quiet because the girls were sleeping. Oh and the girls did wake up after only about a hour long nap, but what can she possibly say. She has the most shrill voice I've ever heard and in the Christmas excitement, I think it was so high only my children and the neighborhood dogs could hear her. She and my brother in law gave everyone great gifts, so who could complain?
So today, for the fans of my mother in law stories, I'm going to take a walk down memory lane.